"This is what you’ve been searching for—what you’re yearning after. Not safety. Not certainty. Not even happiness in the narrow sense. But aliveness. Connection. Reality. Love."
This is exactly the feeling I get when climbing the mountains of Tahoe and scrambling along the jagged edge of Big Sur. It's an invitation to experience beauty, aliveness and connection all at once - and I realize these are among the happiest days of my life.
Beautifully written, Tom. This July marks my 10-year anniversary of learning to love adult myself. I’m not sure what my life would look like if I hadn’t. It’s changed how I feel about me, my relationships, my work, play, on and on. It’s brought me deep gratitude for things as simple as a breath of air, a sip of water, and the frustrations, anxiety, and overwhelm of purely living life. Now, all of those moments carry love into my cup as I watch the endless supply flow over to those around me.
And here’s what most people miss: learning to love yourself lets others love themselves because they no longer have to be on guard or performing to be accepted.
It is an unbelievable experience to truly love oneself.
"Positive regard" seems to imply approval, liking, thinking well of, etc. You can see someone fully, care about their freedom and flourishing, and still think they're making terrible choices or being an asshole. For example, you can love your alcoholic parent—be deeply sensitive to their humanity, want them free from their suffering—while having zero positive regard for their behavior.
That's actually more loving than positive regard, because you're not distorting reality to maintain approval or some "moral" idea of good and bad. You're seeing clearly and still honoring their life.
Maybe non-judgmental (or unitive) attention says it better. What I was thinking is there is a certain type of emotionally charged attention that does not qualify as love. But, yeah, good write up.
So beautifully said, Tom:
"This is what you’ve been searching for—what you’re yearning after. Not safety. Not certainty. Not even happiness in the narrow sense. But aliveness. Connection. Reality. Love."
This is exactly the feeling I get when climbing the mountains of Tahoe and scrambling along the jagged edge of Big Sur. It's an invitation to experience beauty, aliveness and connection all at once - and I realize these are among the happiest days of my life.
Tom, thanks for walking the talk.
Beautifully written, Tom. This July marks my 10-year anniversary of learning to love adult myself. I’m not sure what my life would look like if I hadn’t. It’s changed how I feel about me, my relationships, my work, play, on and on. It’s brought me deep gratitude for things as simple as a breath of air, a sip of water, and the frustrations, anxiety, and overwhelm of purely living life. Now, all of those moments carry love into my cup as I watch the endless supply flow over to those around me.
And here’s what most people miss: learning to love yourself lets others love themselves because they no longer have to be on guard or performing to be accepted.
It is an unbelievable experience to truly love oneself.
Beautifully said (and lived), Tyler. Thank you.
Love = Attention + Positive regard? Or is the equation inaccurate/incomplete?
Thanks for that question, Niraj.
"Positive regard" seems to imply approval, liking, thinking well of, etc. You can see someone fully, care about their freedom and flourishing, and still think they're making terrible choices or being an asshole. For example, you can love your alcoholic parent—be deeply sensitive to their humanity, want them free from their suffering—while having zero positive regard for their behavior.
That's actually more loving than positive regard, because you're not distorting reality to maintain approval or some "moral" idea of good and bad. You're seeing clearly and still honoring their life.
Maybe non-judgmental (or unitive) attention says it better. What I was thinking is there is a certain type of emotionally charged attention that does not qualify as love. But, yeah, good write up.
thank you very much. for real.
Thank you, brother. Share the love. Who knows what may happen? 🙏🏼